[The question makes Lance flinch. That's not what he was expecting to hear -- not even a little, and then some mixture of frustration and helplessness breaks inside of him.]

I was, Boa!!

[Its stated a little too forcefully, though not quite snapped.]

For the first three damn weeks of camp, I wasn't trying to help anyone, I wasn't even taking this place seriously at all. I was skating by, not saying anything, not thinking about anything but my own life.

[His voice wavers audibly, a new wave of bitter tears welling up yet again.]

And then my friend died and we killed the two people she was trying to save! You know how that feels when you're stuck wondering what could've been different if you'd only been trying from the start?! I just can't do that anymore.