[He'd intended to meet with Ren. That was the plan, to make sure the hallucinations didn't affect him too badly, to make sure they didn't have a repeat of Shirou.
To make sure there was someone who already knew his past who could stop him from breaking down too much at the sight of his father and his bloody, bloody knife.
The hallucinations find him again. But it isn't his father - it's Aya.
Her voice is so weak as it cries out to him after the screams from earlier, but still he curls on the ground, hands over his ears. He can hear the watch, faintly, through his hands - tick-tock, tick-tock.
By his count it's at around twenty seconds, now. If it's anything like the past, he can only hope that in ten more, he'll be free.]
[Ichigo had planned on seeing Nine - after all, Nine was a dear friend, and there were only a couple of other people he'd feel safe with staying with on a night like tonight.
It's as he stops by the lodge - intent on going to the mess hall to grab some water for the night and look longingly at the food he can't eat - that he looks over to see Mitsuru, curled up on the ground.
And despite his hunger pains and dizziness, he doesn't even stop to think before running over to his side, looking alarmed.]
Ashikawa?!
[God, he doesn't know what's happening - yet, he's worried all the same, because - he's so still, like that.]
[Ichigo gently touches his shoulder, frowning in concern at the shaking and the obvious mental exhaustion. They're all tired, hungry - like something munching away in their stomachs, over and over again until it's unable to handle any longer - and he gently tries to get the younger boy to his feet.]
It's not safe to be out here alone, you know - are you thirsty?
[He takes out a bottle of water, offering it to Mitsuru.]
...I can take you back to your cabin, or wherever else you want. To keep you safe.
[Honestly, he hasn't been doing well. He feels like he's walking through a haze with every step, and he knows he hasn't thought clearly in days from the lack of food.
Does it really happen this quickly? Or is it just amplified by the rocks in their bodies?]
Mm, yeah. I was going to the mess hall to grab some more water - heating it up makes your stomach think it's full, and while it's not food...it's something.
[It makes sense. And he will, in fact, begin to follow, because he made an agreement with Ren and tonight has already proven that hallucinations are dangerous to him, leave him too vulnerable out in the dark when anyone can kill him because
He's part of the final protocol
And if he's allowed to live he may just slaughter them all.
Pigtails flash at the edges of his vision and he cringes before double checking and- no. She's not there, not this time. Bit he's expecting to see her now, if not laughing then her screams, all because he wasn't there, because even now he's failed to save her from a thing, will likely be on that path for so, so much longer just trying to sort out this mess if he lives and
[Ichigo is - sensitive. He always has been - as a child, back when his mother was alive, he'd cried freely at many things. Even now, hard and tough as he tries to be, he's still got a kind, perceptive heart.
So it's no wonder that he stops and looks over at Mitsuru when he whispers that, looking over.]
[This is stupid. He knows that if he just sticks to the plan, just like he told Nine, he would likely survive another night, just as with the rest.
Survive... to what? Eventually, if the stars aligned, return to his Journey? A Journey that was part of a plan that Ren himself had already said was bad, bad enough to deserve scrapping entirely and starting from scratch.
Was it Solebria, and its destruction? That's what Mitsuru had assumed at first, not wanting to think of the bigger possibility, the thought that maybe it wasn't just Solebria, maybe it was the root of it all.
Maybe it was his wish itself.
Throwing himself into his Journey had been all or nothing from the start. He saw well enough the strain in his aunt as she worked to care for a child forced upon her by a family that rejected him time and time again. He took heart in knowing that at best he would be returned to his family as it should have been, and at worst he'd simply be another missing child, no longer a burden for her to bear.
It was all or nothing, but now as he looks upon it, the answer he sees is a long, long void, stretched out not unlike the side of a towering building.
Maybe the idea was wrong from its conception.
Maybe that wasn't the way fate was supposed to twist, that day.
It's a very long pause before he answers, but once he does, his feet have stopped. Because he won't be going to Cabin 4, not tonight, and maybe never again.]
...Both of us... we're threats. We both know that.
[His voice, somehow, remains steady even though his core shakes. Because he knows what lies on the end of this path, and he knows logically he should divert himself, but, but, but--
[He's not privy to Mitsuru's thoughts, not now - but somehow, he can feel he might not like the words the younger boy in front of him will say.
(Why? Why? God, he's so hungry and thinking is so hard)]
...I know. The Final Protocol, right?
[He's also a threat in a different way, a violent way, but he knows what Mitsuru is probably fearing - the same thing he's had to fear before, his hollow reaching out and attacking everyone, regardless of who they are. The fear of being helpless to stop your body from doing something horrible, something Terrible -]
We'll change this, Mitsuru. We won't - that won't happen. I promise.
[His voice dips just a little, this time. Ichigo's not wrong; he knows his power, knows just how easily he could slaughter the people here, because he already did, because Mitsuru the Traveler is powerful enough to kill many in the blink of an eye without remorse.
What a great irony it is, to so reject the persona that had kept him on the road through his Journey. Perhaps it's that rejection that causes his weakness now, this crumbling under the heavy, heavy weight of each new burden he was made to bear.
Perhaps that's why the thought of enduring any longer makes him feel so, so weary, deeper than the hunger, into his very bones.]
Mitsuru - what he's suggesting is, for this moment, clear as day itself. It's something he's thought of, what with how helpless he's felt while being among the living.
If I were dead, then maybe - things would be different. I'm a Shinigami, I'm more useful dead than alive -
They were 'fake', weren't they? And while their bodies weren't theirs - gigai, essentially - their souls were real. That was something he was sure of, no question.
...But at the same time, he can't - leave Ren and the other Mitsuru and Nine alone to face this, can he?
He takes a long breath, holding it in for a moment.
Both of them gone. He knows what Mitsuru is asking - what he wants to be done - and god help him, some part of him is saying -
'Why not? You're not of any use here, you know. Everyone has suffered all week and figured out things without you. You can't save anyone, and trying to be brave and be strong for them all isn't working, is it?'
...And it's not working. He's just barely holding himself together, especially after Shirou died, keeping a brave face. It was why he let it be known at the meeting that he'd be fine with dying, if it made them feel safer.
He has no fear of death, especially now that he knows what will happen when he does. But Mitsuru...]
I thought - you wanted to live.
Or...it's not just about the Final Protocol, is it? Or the hunger.
[And those words are like a blow, enough to make his eyes go wide with a certain childishness he so rarely displays. It's enough to stun him into silence again for a long moment before he moves again holding his staff close, almost defensive.
He wasn't supposed to know.
He shouldn't have been able to know.
Had he... really been that transparent?]
I've... known this could happen for a long time.
[Death is all around them, after all, and his Journey wasn't exactly safe either. Why wouldn't he be prepared to face it?]
["If that's how you want to think of it," is so close to slipping out, but...
But even now, he conceals that weariness, that exhaustion, that despair that comes in knowing that you've been beaten at every turn and it's time to stop and realize there's just no winning. He's survived these past few years in spite of everything, and what did any of it amount to?]
I won't... allow my power to be used like that.
[A better answer, he thinks, almost like he still has a shred of defiance left in him.]
[He's not stupid. He gets the underlying emotions here, the way he looks so tired. He very nearly says that death won't change any of what he's feeling, that he's talked to too many people who have thrown away their lives and regretted it in the end -
But he doesn't say it, letting the words die in his mouth, because...This is Mitsuru's choice.
And he's already made his.]
....Alright. Then - we should...decide. On where to do this.
[He's hesitant, but also determined - because if he's the only death this night, then so be it. Someone has to die, and everyone else - Lenka, Marisa, Ren, Mitsuru, Nine, everyone - are strong and smart enough to see this through without him.
They can do it. He knows they can.
And he'll do what he can from the other side.]
I think - maybe next to the lake. It'll...be easier, that way.
[And lead the way he does, his own eyes skipping over Cabin 3 - where Nine is waiting, and will keep waiting - feeling a momentary pang of pain before striding down over near the firepit.
The place which has taken the most out of them, but somehow...it feels right, to be done here. Where so many others have died...]
...Alright. I - how do you want to do this? I know - where to hit someone to kill them pretty quickly.
...Yeah. If you've got anything that can pierce through bone, go for the heart. I'll show you where.
[It's not long before they get there, close to the firepit - which is still glowing red from the nightly fire. Ichigo faces Mitsuru, taking out both Zangetsus and looking...grim.
It'll be - alright. Everything will.
You're leaving them behind, but it's to help.]
...Okay. Here -
[He points to a spot where his heart and lung overlap - to make doubly sure the attack will kill.]
Is where you should aim. You're - going to have to go through the ribs and some of the sternum, so...
[Another nod, and Mitsuru raises his staff slightly, chanting. His voice is thin, but the melody no less beautiful, and sure enough a thin blade of ice forms in the air, its coldness sapping the heat from around it as it sits aloft and ready. Its form is sleek and thin; enough to do the job of piercing without falling apart, but also with precision.
He holds the staff close for a moment longer, just long enough to whisper:]
Sorry.
[The spirits in the gemstones... He's not sure what will happen to them, once he's dead. They are, after all, pieces of a reflection of his heart. But after all their guidance, this, this is where the Journey ends.
And then, he lowers the staff enough to expose himself, trying to keep his eyes on Ichigo even when they're so inevitably drawn to the blades.
No. The heart. It needs to be the heart.
He takes a breath and drags his vision to Ichigo's chest.]
...Ready. Shall we count?
[A part of him recalls that not so long ago, he counted off similarly with Boa, although that was a match of beyblades and not one intended to leave them both dead.
Perhaps he'll see him again, after this. That's about the best he can really hope for now.]
[It's - beautiful, the ice. For a moment, he's reminded of Rukia - of her blade of sheer cold and ice - and of Hitsugaya and his ice dragon. It seems - weirdly right, to die like this, somehow.
It'll make it easier for Mitsuru to get away with what's about to happen, if he doesn't make it in time to strike true.]
Yeah, sounds...good.
[He swallows, his grip tightening on his blades - noting for once that his Zanpakuto is silent.
Is it because of the hunger, or that they know this is the best way to end this week?
He doesn't know.]
...One.
[He takes a step forward, crouching down a little, prepared to leap.]
....Two.
[It's so still, so quiet. His blood should be pounding in his ears, but -
Instead, he's just calm.
So very, very calm.]
...Three -!
[The moment before he rushes forward -
He knows. He knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that he cannot kill Mitsuru. He'd known as they stepped to the firepit, as he stared him in the face as the younger boy steeled himself for death.
But he couldn't back out. Someone needs to die, and it might as well be him. And in the end -
I'm sorry.
Please forgive me for being unable to kill you.
His smaller blade merely cuts through open air, the larger one falling from his hand as the smaller blade snags some blond hair before Red's barrier pops up and knocks his hand and sword away. Before that shimmering shard of ice slices through his chest and pops out his back, blood wetly running over it as he staggers backwards - coughing up bubbles of blood and staring at Mitsuru's 'savior' in disbelief.]
[He sees the blades begin to move, acutely aware of the quick beat of his heart in his chest as he faces an oncoming death--
That never even arrives.
He stares mutely as Ichigo collapses in front of him, having felt the wind of the slash yet not even realizing it had technically struck, cutting a lock of hair harmlessly. All he can do is watch in growing horror because Ichigo is dead but he, he isn't, and that means--]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
To make sure there was someone who already knew his past who could stop him from breaking down too much at the sight of his father and his bloody, bloody knife.
The hallucinations find him again. But it isn't his father - it's Aya.
Her voice is so weak as it cries out to him after the screams from earlier, but still he curls on the ground, hands over his ears. He can hear the watch, faintly, through his hands - tick-tock, tick-tock.
By his count it's at around twenty seconds, now. If it's anything like the past, he can only hope that in ten more, he'll be free.]
no subject
It's as he stops by the lodge - intent on going to the mess hall to grab some water for the night and look longingly at the food he can't eat - that he looks over to see Mitsuru, curled up on the ground.
And despite his hunger pains and dizziness, he doesn't even stop to think before running over to his side, looking alarmed.]
Ashikawa?!
[God, he doesn't know what's happening - yet, he's worried all the same, because - he's so still, like that.]
no subject
Tick-tock.
He's slowly opening his eyes again when Ichigo's up in his face, and it has him reeling back, nearly slamming his head into the lodge itself.]
--Ichigo.
[His voice is shaking, much like the rest of him. Between the mental and physical stress, he can hardly stand this any longer.
He's gotten so weak... Or maybe he was always like this? Deep, deep down at his core...?]
no subject
It's not safe to be out here alone, you know - are you thirsty?
[He takes out a bottle of water, offering it to Mitsuru.]
no subject
I'm fine. [He's not.] And... I realize that. It's... not a good night to be out.
[They both know what happens, on nights like these.]
no subject
[Honestly, he hasn't been doing well. He feels like he's walking through a haze with every step, and he knows he hasn't thought clearly in days from the lack of food.
Does it really happen this quickly? Or is it just amplified by the rocks in their bodies?]
no subject
[He looks over in the direction of cabin 4. If all were going according to plan, Ren should be there.]
...Yeah. That's probably safest.
I assume you have someone you're planning to meet with as well? Considering the circumstances.
[Final protocol.]
no subject
[anyway, he nods.]
Alright. I'll take you over there - just in case.
no subject
[It makes sense. And he will, in fact, begin to follow, because he made an agreement with Ren and tonight has already proven that hallucinations are dangerous to him, leave him too vulnerable out in the dark when anyone can kill him because
He's part of the final protocol
And if he's allowed to live he may just slaughter them all.
Pigtails flash at the edges of his vision and he cringes before double checking and- no. She's not there, not this time. Bit he's expecting to see her now, if not laughing then her screams, all because he wasn't there, because even now he's failed to save her from a thing, will likely be on that path for so, so much longer just trying to sort out this mess if he lives and
Again, he can't help but wonder, voice quiet:]
...What am I even doing...?
no subject
So it's no wonder that he stops and looks over at Mitsuru when he whispers that, looking over.]
...You alright?
Cw: suicide
Survive... to what? Eventually, if the stars aligned, return to his Journey? A Journey that was part of a plan that Ren himself had already said was bad, bad enough to deserve scrapping entirely and starting from scratch.
Was it Solebria, and its destruction?
That's what Mitsuru had assumed at first, not wanting to think of the bigger possibility, the thought that maybe it wasn't just Solebria, maybe it was the root of it all.
Maybe it was his wish itself.
Throwing himself into his Journey had been all or nothing from the start. He saw well enough the strain in his aunt as she worked to care for a child forced upon her by a family that rejected him time and time again. He took heart in knowing that at best he would be returned to his family as it should have been, and at worst he'd simply be another missing child, no longer a burden for her to bear.
It was all or nothing, but now as he looks upon it, the answer he sees is a long, long void, stretched out not unlike the side of a towering building.
Maybe the idea was wrong from its conception.
Maybe that wasn't the way fate was supposed to twist, that day.
It's a very long pause before he answers, but once he does, his feet have stopped. Because he won't be going to Cabin 4, not tonight, and maybe never again.]
...Both of us... we're threats. We both know that.
[His voice, somehow, remains steady even though his core shakes. Because he knows what lies on the end of this path, and he knows logically he should divert himself, but, but, but--
Maybe this was the better way of it all along.]
no subject
(Why? Why? God, he's so hungry and thinking is so hard)]
...I know. The Final Protocol, right?
[He's also a threat in a different way, a violent way, but he knows what Mitsuru is probably fearing - the same thing he's had to fear before, his hollow reaching out and attacking everyone, regardless of who they are. The fear of being helpless to stop your body from doing something horrible, something Terrible -]
We'll change this, Mitsuru. We won't - that won't happen. I promise.
no subject
[His voice dips just a little, this time. Ichigo's not wrong; he knows his power, knows just how easily he could slaughter the people here, because he already did, because Mitsuru the Traveler is powerful enough to kill many in the blink of an eye without remorse.
What a great irony it is, to so reject the persona that had kept him on the road through his Journey. Perhaps it's that rejection that causes his weakness now, this crumbling under the heavy, heavy weight of each new burden he was made to bear.
Perhaps that's why the thought of enduring any longer makes him feel so, so weary, deeper than the hunger, into his very bones.]
...We can both ensure it's not even possible.
no subject
Mitsuru - what he's suggesting is, for this moment, clear as day itself. It's something he's thought of, what with how helpless he's felt while being among the living.
If I were dead, then maybe - things would be different. I'm a Shinigami, I'm more useful dead than alive -
They were 'fake', weren't they? And while their bodies weren't theirs - gigai, essentially - their souls were real. That was something he was sure of, no question.
...But at the same time, he can't - leave Ren and the other Mitsuru and Nine alone to face this, can he?
...Can he?]
...Ashikawa...
[He trails off, unsure of what to say.]
...You're saying - that we could both die. Right?
cw: suicide
I am.
[His grip on his staff is tight. They're both powerful, he knows that, logically they could...
They could both finish this. They could stop the final protocol completely and end the hunger they've all endured all week. Two birds with one stone-
two threats gone in one night.]
just the rest of this thread may be triggery so, uh. Be warned?
He takes a long breath, holding it in for a moment.
Both of them gone. He knows what Mitsuru is asking - what he wants to be done - and god help him, some part of him is saying -
'Why not? You're not of any use here, you know. Everyone has suffered all week and figured out things without you. You can't save anyone, and trying to be brave and be strong for them all isn't working, is it?'
...And it's not working. He's just barely holding himself together, especially after Shirou died, keeping a brave face. It was why he let it be known at the meeting that he'd be fine with dying, if it made them feel safer.
He has no fear of death, especially now that he knows what will happen when he does. But Mitsuru...]
I thought - you wanted to live.
Or...it's not just about the Final Protocol, is it? Or the hunger.
[Because, in the end?
He wants to know the truth of the matter.]
no subject
He wasn't supposed to know.
He shouldn't have been able to know.
Had he... really been that transparent?]
I've... known this could happen for a long time.
[Death is all around them, after all, and his Journey wasn't exactly safe either. Why wouldn't he be prepared to face it?]
no subject
They're not that close, and he doesn't want to trample on what Mitsuru holds close to himself, much like how he holds his staff.
So he just...nods, slowly.]
...I see. I did, too.
[Because he's always known of death - it's been his constant companion, a shadow by his side, from the moment he was born.
Is this the right thing to do? He's older than Mitsuru, he should know the right thing, but...
Even 18, he's still just a child. And in his hunger ridden state -
Maybe me dying is the answer.]
...You really - want to do this? To - sacrifice ourselves for everyone else?
[Because that's what this is, isn't it? a Sacrifice. It's two people realizing things can't keep going on like this, and -
For everyone here, I'm willing to die.]
no subject
But even now, he conceals that weariness, that exhaustion, that despair that comes in knowing that you've been beaten at every turn and it's time to stop and realize there's just no winning. He's survived these past few years in spite of everything, and what did any of it amount to?]
I won't... allow my power to be used like that.
[A better answer, he thinks, almost like he still has a shred of defiance left in him.]
no subject
But he doesn't say it, letting the words die in his mouth, because...This is Mitsuru's choice.
And he's already made his.]
....Alright. Then - we should...decide. On where to do this.
[He's hesitant, but also determined - because if he's the only death this night, then so be it. Someone has to die, and everyone else - Lenka, Marisa, Ren, Mitsuru, Nine, everyone - are strong and smart enough to see this through without him.
They can do it. He knows they can.
And he'll do what he can from the other side.]
I think - maybe next to the lake. It'll...be easier, that way.
no subject
He glances in the direction of the lake, eyes dragging only momentarily over Cabin 4. The last opportunity.
He nods.]
Fine. Over there, then.
[Keeping his voice calm, level. He's faced death before, tried to chase it even--
How different is this from then, really?
He waits for Ichigo to lead the way, but he'll follow.]
no subject
The place which has taken the most out of them, but somehow...it feels right, to be done here. Where so many others have died...]
...Alright. I - how do you want to do this? I know - where to hit someone to kill them pretty quickly.
no subject
[And even then it was more a matter of crushing them with far more power than was absolutely necessary.
Unfortunately, Ichigo's going to need to be functional enough to... well, kill him.]
...Just show me the best place to strike. I can do that easily enough.
[The summer air is warm, but he feels cold, a chill down his back.
Just keep walking, Mitsuru.]
no subject
[It's not long before they get there, close to the firepit - which is still glowing red from the nightly fire. Ichigo faces Mitsuru, taking out both Zangetsus and looking...grim.
It'll be - alright. Everything will.
You're leaving them behind, but it's to help.]
...Okay. Here -
[He points to a spot where his heart and lung overlap - to make doubly sure the attack will kill.]
Is where you should aim. You're - going to have to go through the ribs and some of the sternum, so...
...We should - do this at the same time.
no subject
He holds the staff close for a moment longer, just long enough to whisper:]
Sorry.
[The spirits in the gemstones... He's not sure what will happen to them, once he's dead. They are, after all, pieces of a reflection of his heart. But after all their guidance, this, this is where the Journey ends.
And then, he lowers the staff enough to expose himself, trying to keep his eyes on Ichigo even when they're so inevitably drawn to the blades.
No. The heart. It needs to be the heart.
He takes a breath and drags his vision to
Ichigo's chest.]
...Ready. Shall we count?
[A part of him recalls that not so long ago, he counted off similarly with Boa, although that was a match of beyblades and not one intended to leave them both dead.
Perhaps he'll see him again, after this. That's about the best he can really hope for now.]
no subject
It'll make it easier for Mitsuru to get away with what's about to happen, if he doesn't make it in time to strike true.]
Yeah, sounds...good.
[He swallows, his grip tightening on his blades - noting for once that his Zanpakuto is silent.
Is it because of the hunger, or that they know this is the best way to end this week?
He doesn't know.]
...One.
[He takes a step forward, crouching down a little, prepared to leap.]
....Two.
[It's so still, so quiet. His blood should be pounding in his ears, but -
Instead, he's just calm.
So very, very calm.]
...Three -!
[The moment before he rushes forward -
He knows. He knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that he cannot kill Mitsuru. He'd known as they stepped to the firepit, as he stared him in the face as the younger boy steeled himself for death.
But he couldn't back out. Someone needs to die, and it might as well be him. And in the end -
I'm sorry.
Please forgive me for being unable to kill you.
His smaller blade merely cuts through open air, the larger one falling from his hand as the smaller blade snags some blond hair before Red's barrier pops up and knocks his hand and sword away. Before that shimmering shard of ice slices through his chest and pops out his back, blood wetly running over it as he staggers backwards - coughing up bubbles of blood and staring at Mitsuru's 'savior' in disbelief.]
...Ah...Red...
[And then, he falls.]
no subject
That never even arrives.
He stares mutely as Ichigo collapses in front of him, having felt the wind of the slash yet not even realizing it had technically struck, cutting a lock of hair harmlessly. All he can do is watch in growing horror because Ichigo is dead but he, he isn't, and that means--]